Romeow and Juliet
The Stealth Ninja Twins – and friends – Take On Shakespeare
Two households, both alike in dignity (fresh litter boxes and plenty of toys and snacks), in fair Furona where we lay our scene.
SCENE I. Furona. A public place. Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Catulet, armed with swords and bucklers.
Sampson: nice collar dude. is it new?
Gregory: yeah, check out the tag – its shiny!
Sampson: those Mondogues get on my nerves.
Gregory: I know right? Sometimes I just wanna cut off their heads… (inspects and licks claws on a splayed paw)
Enter Abraham and Balthasar
Abraham: do you bite your thumb at us sir?
Gregory: dude, I don’t even think I have thumbs!
They fight. Enter BENVOLIO
Benvolio: hey guys! Stop fighting!
Basically Tybalt and thems show up too, and everybody starts brawling. So now you know the Catulets and Mondogues ain’t feelin it. The Prince of Furona shows up and scolds everyone for brawlin.
SOME SCENE LATER ON. The Catulets are throwing a house party, and Romeow and his crew are finna crash it. Because that’s what they do.
Romeow catches sight of Julliet and BAM! Falls in Looooooove! His buddies are like dude! You can’t! You are a Mondogue and she’s a Catulet! It can’t happen! Dude! Aren’t you in love with whatshername anyway? Hey! Romeow ignores them and goes to chat up Juliet.
Romeow: hey girl, your fur is niiiice tho!
Juliet: murrr you are handsome ain’t ya?
Romeow: my paws are like pilgrims, baby
Juliet: lets pray together!
LATER ON THAT NITE. Juliet finds out from her nurse that Romeow – the hot dude from the party – is like, a Mondogue – son of her father’s sworn enemy! OMG!
Juliet: I’ll just hang out on my balcony all sad and stuff. *licks her fur* I still look like a Straight Diva tho, right?
Romeow: *calling from below* heeeey Jules! Looking good! Don’t be breaking no windows witcha sunshine – heeey murrrrowrr
Juliet: *giggles and purrs* Romeow! you so crazy! *teehee* Wherefor are you at? *peers over the railing*
Romeow: I’ll catchu if you fall
Juliet: *sighs* too bad you are a Mondogue…
They pledge their everlasting love and plan to meet again tomorrow. Romeow hastens to the local friar and sets everything up for him and Juliet to get hitched. The friar hopes this marriage will mend things between the two houses, and so the next day marries them up nicely.
TOTALLY ANOTHER SCENE. Out on a street in the fair city of Furona. Murrcutio and Benvolio are chillin, just hanging out, yo. Tybalt and his crew show up, and tensions rise. Romeow arrives and tries to calm things down, he doesn’t want to quarrel with his new kinsman.
Tybalt and Murrcutio go at it hammers and tongs anyway. Tybalt stabs Murrcutio and then books it on outta there. Romeow is aghast!
Murrcutio: a plague on all yall! ooooh this HURTS BAD
Romeow: dude, are you hurt?
Murrcutio: I am worms’ meat, fool! *dies all dramatic and stuff*
Tybalt comes back, dunno why but anyway – Romeow is totally upset about Murrcutio and they duke it out and Romeow ends up killing Tybalt! Everybody ditches out.
The Mondogues and Catulets and the Prince and errbody including Pookie n Nems from around the way show up and are like OMG what has happened here??? It is decided to exile Romeow from fair Furona.
MEANWHILE BACK AT JULIET’S CRIB. The nurse is all flustered and stuff, but manages to impart the news that Romeow hath slewn Tybalt and is banish-ed from Furona and rushes off to pop some corn because there is sure to be even MORE drahma ensuething.
Juliet finds out she is to marry some dude named Paris and she totally freaks out. Paris?? Really dad!! The friar hatches a plan so that Juliet will take some fake ass poison that will make her look all DEAD and whatsnot, and then later on she’ll wake up in her tomb.
Romeow will be fetched from exile to be there when she wakes and they can take off and live happily ever after somewhere else. A Totally awesome plan! Nothing could go wrong.
Juliet: oh be there when I awake! I luff yew Romeow! *chuggs fake ass poison and falls out*
So the first part of the plan works and she is laid out in her tomb, with her fiancee standing guard. But the message of the plan never makes it to Romeow, and he hears about her death, and thinking it is like, for real he goes crashing off to her tomb. He snags some REAL poison on the way, because he can’t live without her and stuff.
Romeow: who are you? Get out of my way! I must see Juliet!
Paris: dude I’m her fiancee. Who the heck are you?
They fight, Romeow mortally wounds Paris who begs to be laid beside Juliet before he too dies all dramatic and stuff.
Romeow: *caterwauling to the heavens* Oh Juliet!! I luff yew!! Why did you have to die?? You were so YOUNG!! *chugs the REAL poison, smooches Juliet and keels over dead*
Juliet: *stretches and and yawns* hmmmm where’s Romeow? *see’s him there all dead* OMG!! WTF!!! *grabs his dagger and stabs herself and falls dead onto Romeow’s corpse*
Errbody shows up, and is all sad and sorry and the Mondogues and Catulets make up and swear to be Besties Forever and the Prince regally intones the bittersweet moral of the story.
Prince: this is awful but you know what? There is peace now in my fair city of Furona. too bad it took all this drama for it to happen but whatevs, right? But yeah, its still totes sad this woeful story of Juliet and her Romeow.
Recommended: A Tail of Two Kitties.