I’ve written my thoughts across four different blogs in the last 10 years or so. I have millions of words out there, I have put my thoughts, my heart and my soul out into the universe. People from all around the world have read my words, and more so as our individual lives become further connected in cyberspace.
I am basically one that has never been silent. It has cost me friendships, strife with my own family and internal hurt when your personal world is not harmonious. But I have a tone, a sound a vibration that runs through the core of who I am, and when people, actions, experiences and events run contrary to that sounding note, I speak out, take action when I can. Do what I must.
In the last decade of my existence in this Lifetime, I have struggled with a mental illness. Truth be told, as I have looked over my life, I have come to see that I had been living undiagnosed for almost half my life, and I’m in my mid forties right now. I am getting help, I have a support system, I am managing my illness and the symptoms and side effects of meds and all that. That will be the reality of my life until I draw my last breath.
Due to the nature of my illness, I do not have the luxury of letting my emotions run as they will. Even as I feel I need to do, I know that it can be very dangerous for me. My symptoms can be triggered even with the medications I’m on. My life can tilt out of control, and I can end up hospitalized. It has happened to me before, and might well happen to me again.
So while I have cried, and tried to yell and scream out the horror that lies in a knot inside me, I have to temper my reactions, reign in my emotions, pop that emergency pill…
Because I don’t want to end up in the hospital over this. I don’t want to take three steps back, when I have been striding forward out of the last downswing that I have been fighting my way out of over the last six months. I wish I could just Break Down And Let It All Out, but I don’t have that luxury.
I wish to the bottom of my heart I could be that voice for you, that I know might be needed at this time. I will not be silent or silenced, but I can’t be the heralding cry on this one. I will support, provide an outlet for people to speak if they need it, and point people towards communities and places that do likewise.
Many of you know that I have a plan towards living outside of this country. Expatriating myself and going to live the rest of my years in another country. It has come down to survival for me. It is going to be the second most hardest thing that I will have to do. I love my country. But I have seen as I have lived my life, that my country has no love for me.
I also advocate for Black people living in America to seriously consider Ditching Outta Dodge. I know that there is racism everywhere on this planet. I am not moving to avoid racism. What I am doing to choosing to find a place that has the level and type of racism that I can live with. I cannot live with the level and type of racism that exists in America.
I have lived in other countries. I have traveled and visited and experienced what its like to be Black in other places. My personal experiences have taught me that I can find a place to live that will not be killing me softly with every breath I take.
Get out there in the world. Travel. Take your next vacation in another country. If you have to pare down your life – like I have done – in order to save money, do so. Put a little aside whenever you can towards a vacation, a visit Elsewhere. Get an idea of what it is really like for you outside of this country. It is possible, it might be difficult, but it is not impossible. Get a passport.
This might be hard for many of you to hear, but I’m going to say it anyways. I truly believe that until those who are part of the dominating culture in this country ie white people, decide to dismantle the white supremacy that runs this country, to dismantle racism, to actively work toward and support equality for truly all in this country: There will be never be any significant change.
POC have been working and continue to work for true equality and freedom, and yes things will be changed, but nothing significant, no huge paradigm shift. In spite of my feelings about this, I won’t stop doing whatever I can to bring about those changes, and even that hoped for paradigm shift.
But just like the endemic problem of Rape Culture in this country cannot be solved without the active participation of men and boys, so too will racism not be a thing of the past until white culture decides to get in on ending it. I’m being polite when I say I’m not holding my breath waiting for that to happen.
A Tweet I Saw: White folks asking “What can we do to change things?” You’ve had 400 years to figure out, don’t ask us why you ain’t started.
Fight yes, work yes, vote yes, take action yes, but be open to and plan for an Exit Strategy when you hit that wall and it all becomes too much. Note I said “when” and not “if”.
“Stay where you are celebrated, reconsider where you are tolerated, and flee where you are persecuted”
I’m fleeing the plantation called the United States of America.
I freed thousands of slaves. I could have freed thousands more, if they had known they were slaves. -Harriet Tubman