Continuing Thoughts

African Woman

I’ve written my thoughts across four different blogs in the last 10 years or so. I have millions of words out there, I have put my thoughts, my heart and my soul out into the universe. People from all around the world have read my words, and more so as our individual lives become further connected in cyberspace.

I am basically one that has never been silent. It has cost me friendships, strife with my own family and internal hurt when your personal world is not harmonious. But I have a tone, a sound a vibration that runs through the core of who I am, and when people, actions, experiences and events run contrary to that sounding note, I speak out, take action when I can. Do what I must.

In the last decade of my existence in this Lifetime, I have struggled with a mental illness. Truth be told, as I have looked over my life, I have come to see that I had been living undiagnosed for almost half my life, and I’m in my mid forties right now. I am getting help, I have a support system, I am managing my illness and the symptoms and side effects of meds and all that. That will be the reality of my life until I draw my last breath.

~*~

Due to the nature of my illness, I do not have the luxury of letting my emotions run as they will. Even as I feel I need to do, I know that it can be very dangerous for me. My symptoms can be triggered even with the medications I’m on. My life can tilt out of control, and I can end up hospitalized. It has happened to me before, and might well happen to me again.

So while I have cried, and tried to yell and scream out the horror that lies in a knot inside me, I have to temper my reactions, reign in my emotions, pop that emergency pill…

Because I don’t want to end up in the hospital over this. I don’t want to take three steps back, when I have been striding forward out of the last downswing that I have been fighting my way out of over the last six months. I wish I could just Break Down And Let It All Out, but I don’t have that luxury.

I wish to the bottom of my heart I could be that voice for you, that I know might be needed at this time. I will not be silent or silenced, but I can’t be the heralding cry on this one. I will support, provide an outlet for people to speak if they need it, and point people towards communities and places that do likewise.

Part Two of Verdict Reactions on TWiB is up here on The Feed. Listen, Be nourished. Tune in LIVE today 3pm EST.

~*~

Many of you know that I have a plan towards living outside of this country. Expatriating myself and going to live the rest of my years in another country. It has come down to survival for me. It is going to be the second most hardest thing that I will have to do. I love my country. But I have seen as I have lived my life, that my country has no love for me.

I also advocate for Black people living in America to seriously consider Ditching Outta Dodge. I know that there is racism everywhere on this planet. I am not moving to avoid racism. What I am doing to choosing to find a place that has the level and type of racism that I can live with. I cannot live with the level and type of racism that exists in America.

I have lived in other countries. I have traveled and visited and experienced what its like to be Black in other places. My personal experiences have taught me that I can find a place to live that will not be killing me softly with every breath I take. 

Get out there in the world. Travel. Take your next vacation in another country. If you have to pare down your life – like I have done – in order to save money, do so. Put a little aside whenever you can towards a vacation, a visit Elsewhere. Get an idea of what it is really like for you outside of this country. It is possible, it might be difficult, but it is not impossible. Get a passport.

~*~

This might be hard for many of you to hear, but I’m going to say it anyways. I truly believe that until those who are part of the dominating culture in this country ie white people, decide to dismantle the white supremacy that runs this country, to dismantle racism, to actively work toward and support equality for truly all in this country: There will be never be any significant change.

POC have been working and continue to work for true equality and freedom, and yes things will be changed, but nothing significant, no huge paradigm shift. In spite of my feelings about this, I won’t stop doing whatever I can to bring about those changes, and even that hoped for paradigm shift.

But just like the endemic problem of Rape Culture in this country cannot be solved without the active participation of men and boys, so too will racism not be a thing of the past until white culture decides to get in on ending it. I’m being polite when I say I’m not holding my breath waiting for that to happen.

A Tweet I Saw: White folks asking “What can we do to change things?” You’ve had 400 years to figure out, don’t ask us why you ain’t started.

~*~

Fight yes, work yes, vote yes, take action yes, but be open to and plan for an Exit Strategy when you hit that wall and it all becomes too much. Note I said “when” and not “if”.

“Stay where you are celebrated, reconsider where you are tolerated, and flee where you are persecuted”

I’m fleeing the plantation called the United States of America.

I freed thousands of slaves. I could have freed thousands more, if they had known they were slaves. -Harriet Tubman

_______________________________________________

“How cool would it be to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night.”
-A tweet I saw and wanted to share
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About Awake BW

Black Celibate Buddhist Nun Insomniac Wordsmith iDance Womanist Domme iRead Incognegro Our Lady Of The Two Black Cats Educated Bodhisattva Silver Glitter Nailpolish Is My Crack TWiB Addicted Ain't I A Woman.
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6 Responses to Continuing Thoughts

  1. bernasvibe says:

    @“Stay where you are celebrated, reconsider where you are tolerated, and flee where you are persecuted”

    I’m fleeing the plantation called the United States of America.

    I freed thousands of slaves. I could have freed thousands more, if they had known they were slaves. -Harriet Tubman…>> I want to weigh my words carefully with this response..(and I’ve a habit of just letting words flow so freely from me..) so I’ll be back shortly after I’ve digested for a minute…Though I’ve got to say this is ONE of the most open/honest & downright refreshing posts I’ve read to date on WordPress!

  2. bernasvibe says:

    As always I respect your words; including your decision to bail to a place that isn’t so highly racist. In my life journey I’ve “seen” & “heard” of more racist happenings; than personally being touched by IT. Mayhaps because in America Black women; aren’t seen as the threat that Black men are. Let me say that one more time..In our country, America, Black WoMEN aren’t seen as the threat the Black MEN are. When one knows that; they can begin to use their “voice” to speak for their male counterparts..who can’t often say out loud the things they wish they could say! Or else? Be accused of being “aggressive” ; which is the NEW tag on our men for being BOLD enough to speak against being treated like a piece of UNequal crap. One only has to look , for proof positive, at the alarming number of Black men behind bars in our country. (higher than ANY other color or race..) I feel that IS by design; and not all behind bars are guilty. In my opinion, WE as Black women, are targeted also when our Black men are. And now? As of the verdict being stated in that courtroom this weekend. The stakes are even higher…I commend you my Sista for your strength. And for also knowing your weaknesses; and knowing when its time to be externally quiet…I welcome you to guest blog on my blog at your leisure..You’d be my first guest blogger! I just checked out one of the links on your page; and I signed up for the pledge for supporting the advancement of Black Youth. I love it! And I’ll visit often to check out much more of the links on your blog page..Be encouraged. Be blessed. Stay courageous..WE need you no matter what land you call home.

    • Awake BW says:

      The frightening thing is that now the newest high number of people being incarcerated is Black women. Our men are still the bulk of the targeting for being locked up, but the demographic that is spiking right now is Black women.

      Because we are so invisible, something I’m going to blog about AGAIN, these new stats are not widely known. There is also THIS to deal with: What if Trayvon Martin was a Black girl http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jul/12/trayvon-martin-female

      In that article, they touched on a lot of cases that *I* was very familiar with, but apparently they weren’t exactly mainstream. I guess my radar is more widespread and deeper than the average American. When a young Black girl gets shot and killed, gets kidnapped and raped – I know about it.

      My only problem with that article, and many others I have seen expressing those same sentiments “If such and such Black male victim was Black and female we wouldn’t even know her name” is that it is never that simple. We would never have even know Trayvon’s name if his family, friends etc had not raised holy heck to get what happened to him out to the media and social networks, and once it got there, it went viral.

      I’d have to say there is a class issue that needs to be recognized. Many of these Black female victims – child or adult – come from backgrounds very different from Trayvon. Access to and utilization of those systems and tools that Trayvon’s family used to raise awareness, are simply not extant for the families of those other victims. That, and their communities are so broken, that to simply even gather grassroots rallying points would take a monumental effort, that those existing in poverty and strife would not be able to muster.

      But while we Black women still have that margin of privilege – it grows smaller each day – I do agree that we must use that to advantage and speak out, speak up, stand up when our male counterparts are unable to do so.

      And yes! I would be happy and greatly honored to guest blog! YAY! I’m also so happy you found my notsohidden gems I sprinkle around on my blog :D Everything up on here is On Purpose. Blessings, Diva!

      • bernasvibe says:

        Agreed..Your “radar” is far deeper than the average American..Even I, and I thought I was pretty culturally aware; have TONS to learn from you..I honestly think we can learn from one another..My so called “Black experience” has been often, very often seen(and called out as such..) not the “true” Black experience because I’ve not lived the “quoted media picture ” or even “the picture some Blacks have” of what “the Black experience IS..Honestly? I am a PROUD Sista who feels being Black & proud has NO outlined or definitive definition..It is an individual “thing” that can’t be measured…I say all of that to say; I don’t know it all nor claim to know it all; and probably won’t ever know it all. I’m still learning about cultures from Africa; FROM friends who were born and raised in African. I feel very blessed that God has placed such people in my life; for me to learn..& share..I am very, very elated that you’ve accepted my guest blogger invite..Pick any topic you choose to speak on: I’m just hoping its a cultural one. I look forward to reading it..Come sprinkle those gems over here whenever you feel like it..(I’m so new at this; do I just make you a contributor on my blog?)

        • Awake BW says:

          Every Black experience is a valid one. It is so hard sometimes to feel that way, because well our mainstream culture is white, and they control the narrative.

          We get told, and shown over and over what “The Black Experience” is supposed to look like, and when our own lives don’t match up we are like umm heeyy but….

          Push Back! You are alive and kicking and living in America while Black. VALID.

          As for making me able to guest on your blog..eeek! I dunno. I’d say yes, use that contributor thingy but I have no clue ROFL

          I thought I would email you my post(s) and you paste em on up? Let me know what you want to do, or if you figure out how it all works here on WP.

          • bernasvibe says:

            Beautiful sentiment! I couldn’t agree more..Lol, lol I’m still figuring-it-out-as-I-go on how things work with all of this. I didn’t even know how to “make” a WP page when I first began not even a year ago …I’m going to post the email addy I made for this site; along with a guest invite option. Might take me a while this evening to figure out “how” to do that; but I will! I don’t yet know how to figure out how to email people on here …But sounds good to start off doing the email & paste way.

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