Diary of a Celibate Buddhist Nun

Black Woman Meditate

Some might have wondered why I self identify as a “Celibate Buddhist Nun” in many of my descriptions and profiles here and across the net. I have been a Buddhist for over half of my life, converting while in my teens. As I’ve moved through my life and gotten interested in exploring other things like quantum physics and and metaphysical practices, those things have only served to strengthen my Faith.

I’m of the mind the Science proves Religion. Maybe I’ll write more about what I mean by that sometime.

About seven years ago, I decided I needed to embark on a Spiritual Quest. I had about two years prior, begun to grapple with and acknowledge that I had a mental illness, and had started to seek help and get a diagnosis and all that. I needed the bedrock of my Faith and Practice to help me through this.

~*~

When you begin deep work on yourself, you tend to strip away all non-essentials. I was single at the time, and decided that any kind of relationship outside of the platonic was only going to complicate things, distract me from what I needed to do. And really, I have always advocated that a person should always bring something to the table when seeking a mate. Not so much hooking up the outside, but making sure your Inner You is on point.

I was a broken person. I needed to start the Work on fixing myself.

Sure I could still do the single lady thing and engage in casual sexual encounters, and truth be told, at the beginning of my Spiritual Quest, that was still sorta on the table. I mean broken or not, I was still a human being.

But sometimes those casual encounters, dating people and all that can lead to something serious. So I decided hmm ok maybe notsomuch. I should just chill on that. So I did.

At first it was really difficult. Going from a normal sexual human being to the opposite, cold turkey. But I’d actually done quite a long stint of celibacy years before – on purpose lol – and I had reaped incredible benefits from it. So I persevered.

Then the horrible thing happened that I had not expected. Some of you who are on medications understand the process. It is a trial and error sort of thing. You get prescribed some meds, and you have to “try them out” to see if they are effective for you. Every human body is different, and reacts differently each medication.

I was eventually put on a medication that pretty much shuts down your libido. Funny, I didn’t read THAT in the list of side effects. Le Sigh. But it was working really well for me on most all other fronts, and since I was still celibate On Purpose, I just let it ride.

~*~

But what is a person to do when the Spiritual Quest is over and you are ready to “get back into the saddle” but the meds you have to take every day tell your body: Nope, Newp, Nyet – Hunty NO?

I had traveled the Path. I had done the Work. I was not completely Healed, but I was in a place where I could handle getting back out into the world. But I was absolutely disinterested in sex. I knew I was in trouble when I pulled up the Awesome Picture of my Huuusband Vin Diesel and I was all “meh”.

That messed me up.

~*~

black_woman_orgasm

Let’s talk about what you all want to really know. Yes I wore out countless batteries during my Journey. I budget for them. She bops. Yes she does. As those new meds kicked in, it got fewer and fewer those times I was even into attaining La Petite Mort, but it never went away completely, Praise Buddha.

But I didn’t want to get back out into the dating scene, meet the man of my dreams and be all “meh”. That would suck so bad. So I was trapped. I did talk to my health management people and asked for and received a lower dosage on that particular medication that was cock blockin, so that helped a lot. But there was no way I could stop being on medication altogether.

What was I to do?

~*~

So I thought about it. I prayed about it. I wrote about it. I metaphorically SANG THE BLUES until my throat was sore and then I figured it out:

I embraced the whole thing. I Owned it. And I p0wned it.

I know that I am a very spiritual being. I am a Buddhist now and until the end of Space and Time. Right now I won’t be sexing it up with anyone but Me Myself and My Toys, so OK then.

With a Beatific Smile of Nunly Awesomeness I Awoke to Who I Am at this Moment. This will change, but for now

She is nunlike in that she is in platonic relationships with the people in her life.

She is Buddhist to the Bone.

I am Myself.

Celibate. Buddhist. Nun.

_____________________________________________

But you know I always have my Exit Strategy down and on point, and I already know Who I’m Gonna Be With when it comes to saddle jumping time. He’s been very nice about being volunteered for That Mission. (nice meaning grinnin from ear to ear)
Of course he grinnin. Who wouldn’t? I’m a catch. I’m fetching. I am Awesome.
Celibate? Ever been? Never thought about doing it On Purpose? The idea of someone on a Spiritual Quest who still Trips The Light Fantastic with herself freak you out?
Are you a Quest (of any kind) yourself? 
Do Tell. Share. I know you wanna ;p
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About Awake BW

Black Celibate Buddhist Nun Insomniac Wordsmith iDance Womanist Domme Dyed In The Wool Democrat iRead Incognegro Our Lady Of The Two Black Cats Educated Bodhisattva Silver Glitter Nailpolish Is My Crack Not on SlaveBook TWiB Addicted Ain't I A Woman.
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6 Responses to Diary of a Celibate Buddhist Nun

  1. I have been on a quest for some time now, a quest for complete self-acceptance. I’ve always been the weird black girl trying to fit in but I just couldn’t. A few years ago I decided to just be me and not worry about what other people thought. This involved me going natural, travelling more (myself mostly) and just being happy being the nerd that I am. Honestly, it wasn’t easy especially as I’m sensitive to criticism. However, I’m happy with how far I’ve come.

    • Awake BW says:

      That’s really wonderful Rowena! I think that’s called embracing your authentic self or something. One of the hardest things to do. I think so many of us who don’t fit into any particular mold, especially certain ones of us of color. Where who we are supposed to be, and what we are supposed to be doing is so heavily policed, if you will.

      Breaking away from all the oppressive box-fitting is the key to personal freedom. And gosh darn it aren’t we just that much happier just to be ourselves? Who we Truly Are? I love my life, and I love living, and while it may not always pretty or particularly easy, I wouldn’t trade it in for anything else.

      • Thank you! And you completely get it:) I guess so many of us buy into the lie that we have to be a certain way. It made me miserable at times and the wonderful thing about embracing who I was is that despite losing friends I made awesome, like-minded ones.

        Yes, being a woman of colour, a black woman at that, can be harder because I feel our society is so conservative! I found myself valuing things that relatives didn’t value, I dropped out of University (I was studying Earth Science) and made everyone angry, but I ended up going back to finish off. And yes, I am way more happier being myself, despite being restless because now I know I’m on the right path and I know great things are going to happen!

  2. Hi –

    I think the issue is using mindfulness meditation to be mellow with oneself – to accept yourself as you are and not some image. Be gentle, be trusting of yourself, be kind to yourself. I think I am saying what you are saying. Just continue the Path.

    Best wishes, Naphi

  3. Do you have a Facebook? If so, add me at Shook Walking Wave..I am also too a Buddhist as a male..It is some what rare as a Buddhist to find other brown skinned toned practitioners.. Its nice to run into a few now and then.. Thank you :) Have a great day

    Walking Wave..

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